Self-love, self-trust, self-leadership -- it is not a coincidence that each of these concepts is centered in self. For decades, we have been told to follow the teachings of this "guru" or that "expert" with the promise of healing and change. When it comes to mental health and wellness, we are seeing more and more coaches, therapists and other clinicians stepping into the role of "healer" rather than "helper". 

​While this might sound okay (because let's face it: a lot of us really want to heal!), we have to be very careful about grabbing on to someone or something that promises us healing by looking outward instead of inward. Empowerment comes from all three of the words that started this post: self-love, self-trust and self-leadership. If your therapist/coach/mentor is encouraging you not to trust your gut and lead from "Self", you are moving further away from what will create sustainable change. 

"Okay, Jena but what about all those times I told myself something and was way off? Should I have trusted that?" 

I don't know. Maybe? What do you think? From my perspective, this is about learning and getting to know yourself through trial and error rather than from a place of perfectionism. Think about how much more value can come from you figuring out your perception of something was inaccurate rather than someone else telling you what to believe. There's more exploration and play than can come from getting curious about your feelings and intuition and validating them whether or not they are "distorted". 

Here's an example that might be helpful: I was really intimidated by one of my professors in college. I was convinced she had the wrong impression of me because I was sick early in the semester and missed a few classes. I had intense anxiety about going to my first class after that short period away from school. As I was sitting in class, I raised my hand to answer a question and she said "Jena, I'd like you to just sit and listen today". Can you imagine the hot, burning shame that raced through my body at that moment? I wanted to disappear. In my mind, my fears had been confirmed. 

I tried to slink out the door after class and my teacher caught me and asked me to stay behind. To my surprise, instead of meeting me with shame and ridicule (as I had expected), she was so kind, loving and compassionate. She told me she knew how hard I worked and wanted to make sure I continued to take it easy for a while to avoid neglecting my needs (her approach was a little codependent, but that’s another story!). 

Was my intuition wrong? Maybe. But from this moment of kindness I was able to reflect on what was really going on with me during that time. From an Internal Family Systems lens (more to come on that), the part of me that was so concerned about what this teacher thought was teaming up with an over-functioning part of me. They were so desperate to keep my wounded  parts who believed I was lazy from showing up that they were working so hard to keep it together. This was never about my teacher. 

From approaches that center on cognitive distortions, therapy may have sounded like "can you identify what cognitive distortions were at play to make you believe that she was going to respond that way?". The goal is to be able to identify those types of beliefs so that shifting the thought (i.e. thinking more flexibly) shifts the emotion (less fear). Tie a pretty bow on it and move along. 

However, while this may bring some relief it is a bandaid for the true wound. When someone tells you they can fix all of your problems, what they mean is they can bandage you up and send you on your way. It is the therapeutic equivalent of "giving a man a fish" -- it might cure the hunger for a few hours, but it is not sustainable. 

On the contrary, techniques that get you looking at and learning from your intuition provide empowerment and long-lasting change. They put you in the driver's seat (where we all should be) to be able to reference these insights whenever they come up -- time and time again. Anytime someone puts their cape on to swoop in and "save you" through the lens of their craft, we must be wary. 
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You are the love, the understanding and the true healing that you need. We are merely part of your support system. 

If you like what you've read here, please consider adding @littleseedcounseling on Instagram for more! If you really like what you've read here, follow @canijust_podcast and stayed tuned for our podcast launch in the future with Jordan Marciano -- RYT 200! 

There are so many ways to treat trauma. An alphabet soup of letters -- EMDR, TFCBT, IFS, CPT -- attempting to help accomplish the same goal. Freedom. Relief. Finally getting that deep, full breath of air into the lungs and out. No matter how you approach healing, a key factor in allowing us to turn adversity into meaning is the extent to which we fully explore thoughts and feelings that surround our experiences. 

Your brain and body will tell you to do what humans are programmed to do best: to avoid the event (and subsequent pain) at all cost. It's only natural for you to want to do this. Unfortunately, this keeps us stuck in patterns that do much more harm than good. 

I can't tell you how many humans have bawled on the floor of my office telling me that they couldn't look at their trauma because they knew it was "their fault". These are people who were suffering with so much pain and taking so much responsibility for heinous acts of assault and emotional violence. No wonder they felt terrible about themselves and others. No wonder they felt unsafe, couldn't trust, couldn't develop healthy relationships. They had been believing for months, days, years, decades that they caused themselves all of this pain. 

This is real, pure tragedy. 

The absolutely privilege of doing therapy lies in bearing witness to this pain. To hear it, to watch it, to see the transformation that comes with stepping ever so slowly into it. To see the light come back into their eyes. 

The way to healing is trudging through all the pain. It is an unfortunate reality that those who experienced such horrendous damage have to then go back and revisit it, but the beauty that comes from doing so is remarkable. 

** If you are interested in doing this work, it will need to be done in a relational setting (i.e. with another human). Please seek support and guidance along your way.**

Master manipulators. Skilled liars. Great actors. Have you been around folx who make you feel "crazy"? They may show up around others as healthy and self-aware, but around you there is control and gas lighting? You might feel trapped, frustrated, angry, etc. 

Toxic People:
- are hypocritical -- what they say and what they do don't line up
- have trouble apologizing or accepting criticism 
- focus on "winning" 
- self-serving and selfish -- always put their needs over the needs of the collective
- expects loyalty, but does not reciprocate 
- talks badly about others with an air of superiority
- focuses on the negative to manipulate you
- has very few boundaries (if any) 

This is not an extensive list but covers many of the problems I head about  in dysfunctional relationships. So, when you are feeling super stuck with a toxic person, here's how you can step away: 

1. Ask for Help - Look, it's easy to get stuck in a negative situation when you are the only person trying to sort out what you are feeling. Having someone who is unbiased can help you more easily manage what is going on! If you are looking for a counselor in Greensboro, NC, please reach out to Little Seed Counseling. I can help you navigate the frustrating process of deal with a toxic person. 

2. Ask yourself a hard question: Are you ready for it? Here goes... if you had a daughter/son or if your best friend was dealing with this person, what would you tell them? -- this one usually cuts to the core --  If I wouldn't want my child or my best friend to deal with this type of treatment, why am I willing to tolerate it myself? 

3. Keep Firm Boundaries: A toxic person will likely see your boundaries as a form of rejection. A helpful tip is to set boundaries that are:
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• Clear - "I am not willing to talk negatively about other people"  versus "Let's focus on the positive!" 
• Firm- There are no exceptions. If you set the boundary above, be prepared to say "Remember, I am not going to talk negatively about others. If you can't stop doing so, I will need to leave."
• Consistent- This needs to happen in every situation. For example, if one day you are very upset and call this person to complain about another friend, be prepared for that person to believe you are cosigning them doing the same. 
• Calm - Leave the anger out of this. Again, a toxic person will likely view a boundary as rejection, so presenting yourself in a calm, collected way will let them know that you are serious about what rules you are setting. Expressing boundaries with anger can give the other person grounds to feel "victimized". 

What are your biggest difficulties with toxic people? 

Do you notice the same themes coming up in your life? For example, do you sit at work saying things like "I work so hard, but get so little appreciation for what I do!". Does that also show up at home and in your relationships? If so, there's a good chance this pattern started when you were very young. 

When we experience shame as a young person, we don't have the ability to use logic and reason to dispute it. We believe, without question, that something must be wrong with us or that we deserved whatever treatment we are getting. As we move through life believing negative things about ourselves, we tend to find ourselves (by no fault of our own) in situations that validate this shame. 

We might wind up in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, or in a job that sucks the life out of us. We might find ourselves having the same complaints about people and situations over and over again. 

In order to get out of this cycle, we need to work on healing those old, old wounds. This isn't easy work and I don't recommend trying to do this without the help of a professional. You CAN do a few things to help yourself begin this process: 

1. Establish a foundation of safety: What do your routines look like right now? How well are you taking care of yourself? Do you have people around to support you? These are some of the questions to ask yourself as you begin to take stock of what needs work in your life. 

If you aren't taking care of yourself, it will be even more difficult to do this when you are feeling the pain of the past. 

2. Ask for what you need : Similar to the concept above, if you are unable to ask for what you need now, it will be much harder to do so when you REALLY need it. Start small -- ask for help with household tasks, and slowly build up to a deeper level of vulnerability with your loved ones. 

3. Take stock of your assets: No, I don't mean your physical assets! Take stock of the things you do well and like about yourself. What are your strengths? How do you contribute? This list may be sparse, at first, but eventually you will be able to see yourself in a different light. 

When you are ready to lean in to the pain of the past, remember that there are folx like me who can support you! Talk with a counselor in Greensboro today! 

After years of working in inpatient addiction treatment, I have a learned a few things that have enhanced the success of my clients. As an addiction counselor, I help people navigate the challenges of both early recovery and later stage (stage II) recovery. Here, I will outline some of my best tips for that first week home after a stay in inpatient treatment. 


1. Validate Yourself - First things first, you have just gone through weeks of inpatient treatment. If where you went was anything like where I spent half a decade of my life, that means you felt your feelings, you followed strict rules, you did some emotionally grueling work, you sat in a chair and listened for hours a day and you were away from those you loved. I've had clients tell me their families thought they were on a "vacation". Going through treatment is not for the weak! Take a moment to validate your own efforts, regardless of how your loved ones feel about your time in treatment! 

2. Go to a Meeting - Inpatient treatment (specifically a 12-step based facility) sets you up to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous. We know that being connected is so important, and becomes more important in early recovery. As soon as you leave the doors of your treatment center, getting to a meeting is your first priority. Right now, your only opportunity may be to connect with others on Zoom. Regardless of how, get connected! 

If you are in the Greensboro area, check out www.nc23.org for up to date information. 

3. Get a Sponsor- This is such a difficult part of the process for many! A sponsor is someone who has walked through the recovery process and is willing to walk with you through yours as well. When we've had painful past experiences, it can be difficult to trust other people. Getting a sponsor is an exercise in surrender. It means you are willing to let someone else show you how to get well. Look for someone who has what you want and ask them if they can show you how to find that for yourself. 

4. Gather a List of At Least 10 People in Recovery- Ask other people in recovery for their phone number. They will understand because they have been in your shoes. Practice calling at least two people in recovery daily. When you really need to pick up the phone and get support, you will have enough practice doing so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Keep this list in your phone for easy access.  

5. Make a To-Do List- You've been away for 28 days. You've got tasks piled up -- bills to pay, chores to do, phone calls to return. You feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. Get out a pen and paper and list everything you can think of that needs to be done. Then, put them in order of importance. Start at the top -- one by one your tasks will start to get done. By organizing like this, your brain can more easily manage the amount of tasks that need to be done. In early recovery, sometimes we need to help ourselves (and our brains) out like this!  This can also help you see if there are any tasks you can get some support with ! 

 
If you are feeling stressed, you are not alone. Here are some tips to help you navigate these trying times.
 

• Follow all safety guidelines and then try to disconnect.  Worrying is one way your brain helps manage a lack of control. If you have a hard time not ruminating, try using some mindfulness techniques. The great thing about mindfulness is it gets you out of the past and the future and into the moment. One of my favorite ways to do this is to pick a color and then scan your environment for each instance of that color. There is a great worksheet on Therapist Aid that has more for you to try (https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/grounding-techniques).

 
 

• Keep your news intake limited.  Of course we all want to know what’s going on outside of our four walls and we want to keep up with new developments but obsessively watching or listening to the news keeps our nervous system activated. One helpful trick is to turn off all notifications on your phone so that you are not bombarded with information. It also may be helpful to have designated times to watch the news (one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening), so that you can feel informed but not overwhelmed.  

 

• Try to establish some routine in your daily life.  Most of us have lives that are defined by work, school or some regular activity.  This keeps us grounded and productive.  In the absence of that routine, we can feel lost. 

 

• If you feel the urge to overindulge, remind yourself that you are just trying to keep yourself safe and reach out to others to connect. Our brain goes into fight/flight when we feel disconnected, scared, lonely, etc. Try to connect first and be easy on yourself if you feel the desire to use other “solutions”. If you are a person in recovery, please reach out to your sponsor and your community. There are plenty of online options for those looking to find some experience, strength and hope.

 
 

• Try to have some fun and spontaneity! Play board games, read, write, get messy with the kids, do puzzles!  These are great relationship activities. They can connect you and your partner without a lot of talking or emotional processing. If you want to connect on a deeper level, the Gottman Card Decks app is a great resource for couples and it’s free!

Please remember that  you can contact me at jena@littleseedcounseling.com or 336.405.8583  if you are struggling! 
 

​Jena Plummer
LCMHC, LCASA, NCC, MA
www.littleseedcounseling.com
 
“Be a priority, not an option!” This is something you’ve probably heard before. When you are in a relationship with another person and you are being placed on the backburner you may start to question your relationship, your needs or even your worth. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help guide you in moments like this:  
 
How do I feel and what do I need?  
 
Most of the time, what we are feeling is a mix of abandonment and rejection. There might be some sadness involved as we grieve the loss of what our relationship once was. There could also be fear involved as you grapple with questions such as “does this mean he/she wants to leave me?” If you can ground yourself in your feelings, you can then start to piece together what you need. For example, if you feel fear you may need reassurance. If you feel abandonment, you may need to feel supported.
 
Are my expectations realistic?
 
Expectations can create major disappointment. I cannot expect my partner to meet all of my needs. If I state to my partner, “I feel abandoned and I need to feel supported”, I can’t expect them to know how to make me feel that way. I have to be able to articulate my needs and expect that I they will not always be able to meet them. It is not fair (to you or to others) to put your emotional wellbeing in your partner’s hands.
 
Am I taking care of my own priorities?
 
I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with women who found themselves in the following cycle: have needs, try to get needs met by partner, get clingy, push partner away, blame partner for not meeting needs. It is our responsibility to give ourselves what we are most looking for. If you feel abandoned, how can you stop abandoning yourself? If you feel scared, how can you tend to those fears? Taking some responsibility for your own needs can drastically help your relationships.  
 
Do I need to set boundaries or be in this relationship?
 
In some cases, your partner might be acting in a disrespectful way. This is where you have to make a decision about what you are willing to put up with. If you tried everything above and things are still not working for you, you get to decide if you want the relationship to end. If you stay in a relationship hoping it will change, you are just going to hurt yourself more. A boundary might sound like, “When you spend time with everyone else before me, I feel hurt, confused and sad. I need to know that you value your time with me. If you continue to put me last, I   cannot continue to be in a relationship with you.” 

as featured in Deep Soulful Love 
https://deepsoulfullove.com/i-still-love-my-ex-but-dont-want-him-back/

Enabling and caregiving both involve a strong desire to love, help and nurture another person. These desires are amplified, often with a sense urgency and desperation, for those with loved ones in active addiction.  The reality, however, is that many of the behaviors that seem “helpful” are actually quite the opposite. We can literally love others to death. Here we will differentiate between caregiving and enabling (which we can also refer to as “caretaking” or codependency), offering a more helpful approach to supporting your loved one in active addiction.

Caregiving is the act of giving care to another person who is incapable of giving it to themselves. For example, it is developmentally appropriate to tie a two-year old’s shoes (if they cannot). Enabling or caretaking, on the other hand is taking away another person’s ability to do something for themselves. When we get into a dynamic of enabling, we rob the other person of any opportunity to learn and experience the growth necessary to function on their own. This creates a mutual dependence that leads to more frustration and resentment for both parties.

When it comes to addiction, enabling adds fuel to the disease’s fire. If you enable your loved one in active addiction, these behaviors prevents them from experiencing the natural consequences of their own behaviors. Examples of enabling in relation to the addiction process include: giving money to an addict; repairing common property the addict broke; lying to the addict’s employer to cover up absenteeism; fulfilling the addict’s commitments to others; screening phone calls and making excuses for the addict; speaking for the addict or bailing him or her out of jail. It isn’t that these behaviors are “bad” or “wrong”, but it is clear they aren’t working to keep your loved one safe and sober.
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To stop enabling isn’t easy. For many, the fear of a loved one losing his or her job, going to jail or overdosing is too much to create any lasting behavioral change. You may have to weigh consequences of short-term pain versus long-term misery in each case. However, the most important thing to know is that you do not have to make any of these decisions alone. Like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon provide space for those affected by the disease of addiction. Sponsors and other members of the community can help you navigate these challenging decisions, set boundaries that you are comfortable with and learn to enable your loved ones’ recovery instead of their addiction.