Gold Stars Won’t Keep You Warm: Shifting from Ableism to Authenticity

Jena Plummer, LCMHC

I’ll be the first to admit—I love a gold star.

There’s something deeply satisfying about checking off a to-do list, hitting a milestone, or hearing the words, “Great job!” That little dopamine hit makes it feel like we’re on the right track, like we’re worthy, like we belong.

And yet, as much as those gold stars light up our brain’s reward system, they don’t actually keep us warm. They don’t help us feel truly seen. They don’t build the kind of self-acceptance that sustains us when the praise fades and we’re left alone with ourselves. I might be dating myself, but the image I have in my brain of Scrooge McDuck swimming around in his gold coins comes to mind here.

The Ableist Lie of Productivity = Worth

From an early age, many of us are conditioned to believe that our value comes from what we do—how much we produce, how well we perform, how seamlessly we fit into expectations. Sticker charts and candy jars kept us in line (I still love both of those things if I'm being honest). This is especially true for neurodivergent folks, who are often taught that success means masking, pushing through, and proving ourselves in a world that wasn’t built for us.

The message is clear: Work harder. Be better. Earn your place.

This mindset isn’t just exhausting; it’s inherently ableist. It suggests that our worth is tied to how much we can do, rather than who we are. It ignores that rest, play, and connection are just as important as accomplishment. It convinces us that if we just get one more gold star—whether it’s a promotion, a clean house, a perfectly planned day—we’ll finally feel like enough.

But when we measure our happiness by external validation, we set ourselves up for an endless chase. Because gold stars? They don’t last. And when they disappear, we’re often left feeling burnt out, dissociated, and disconnected, staring at a pile of achievements that never quite filled the gap.

Authenticity Over Achievement

So what happens when we stop chasing gold stars and start listening to ourselves? When we shift from ableist standards of success to something more authentic?

For many, it’s terrifying at first. Without external markers of achievement, how do we know we’re doing “enough”? But that’s the trick—we’ve been conditioned to believe that doing is more important than being.

The real work of self-acceptance is in learning to measure our lives differently. To prioritize rest as much as effort. To celebrate moments of connection, even if they don’t come with applause. To recognize that we are worthy just as we are, regardless of how much we accomplish.

What Actually Keeps Us Warm

Gold stars might activate our brain’s reward system, but they don’t give us what we truly need:

• Deep self-acceptance – The ability to sit with ourselves, even in stillness, and know that we are enough.

• Community and connection – Relationships where we are valued for who we are, not just what we contribute.

• Balance – The freedom to rest, to play, to exist outside of productivity.

• Authenticity – The permission to show up as our full selves, rather than contorting to fit an ableist mold.

We can still appreciate a good gold star now and then—it’s natural to crave validation and achievement. But when we stop relying on them to define our worth, we make space for something better. Something lasting.

Because at the end of the day, gold stars don’t keep us warm. But real self-acceptance? That just might.